


she wanted to hold his hand

by potato_writes



Series: i'm standing right here on (jaime's) side [3]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Relationship, Quasi-Ocean's Eleven AU, apologies to Tyrion fans but this instalment is not for you at all, brienne is very sad about almost everything in this one, for now at least, jaime's haunting the narrative once again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:28:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27054172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potato_writes/pseuds/potato_writes
Summary: Leaving him was supposed to make this easier, not harder. It was just a fling, it didn’t mean anything,hedidn’t mean anything. He shouldn’t be haunting her thoughts day and night, shouldn’t be drifting in and out of her dreams along with the ghosts of her family, shouldn’t be the source of her constant distraction during important meetings that could mean life or death for them once they put their plan into action at the gala.*as her team puts together the last details for their heist, brienne finds herself struggling with feelings for the last person she'd ever intended to fall for.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Series: i'm standing right here on (jaime's) side [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956802
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	she wanted to hold his hand

**Author's Note:**

> originally I was going to post this yesterday but I had a midterm today so this is my reward for that. if you're just coming into this series, you should probably read the other two parts first. if you've read them already, this takes place between part 2 and part 1 chronologically because that absolutely makes sense (I swear there's a reason for this okay).
> 
> please note the tag about Tyrion. this is not a Tyrion friendly fic, as Shae's motivation for going after the Lannisters is his using her to cope with the lack of love he received from most of his family and then getting angry at her when she didn't fall in love with him in return despite the fact that he was literally paying her to sleep with him. this is the only part of the story where this really comes up, but please be aware of this before you read. nothing explicit or sensitive is discussed regarding the whole scenario (I think), but if you feel there's something else I should tag for here please let me know! I'd rather not have people upset because I didn't warn for something I really should have!
> 
> title from ghost quartet, of course. you can also find me on Tumblr as [potatothecat](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/potatothecat), where I may or may not be screaming very loudly. 
> 
> thank you for reading!

Brienne’s only half-listening as Ygritte stands at the front of the room and talks about positioning, escape routes, contingency plans, all critical information she should really be paying attention to since they’re going to need in the next week as they prepare to go in and finally, _finally_ give Tywin Lannister his due. But she keeps thinking about _him_ , about how close she’ll be to his family when they go in at the end of the week, about how he might be there despite his obvious distaste for his father’s events. Her mind keeps wandering back to those blissful months they spent side by side, their bodies tangling together, the pure joy on his face every time he saw her walk into the room, the quiet contentment on his sleeping face the night she walked out on him forever.

Leaving him was supposed to make this easier, not harder. It was just a fling, it didn’t mean anything, _he_ didn’t mean anything. He shouldn’t be haunting her thoughts day and night, shouldn’t be drifting in and out of her dreams along with the ghosts of her family, shouldn’t be the source of her constant distraction during important meetings that could mean life or death for them once they put their plan into action at the gala.

Gods, she’s supposed to be better than this. She’s supposed to be the impenetrable one, the one everyone else on the team can rely on, not the one hung up on a man she was never even properly with while the rest of the team tiptoes around her and pretends they don’t notice her preoccupation with someone she should be over and done with by now. Their relationship didn’t mean anything, after all. It was just sex.

Or so she keeps telling herself.

If she’s honest, which she’s trying very hard not to be, it was so much more than just sex. He might not have felt the same way, but, now that they’ve been apart for a few weeks, it’s the emotional connection she misses the most. The way they could talk for hours about their hidden fears and concerns, the smiles they shared in the soft moments in-between, the time he held her as she cried for the first time in years about her mother and brother, those moments linger painfully. They’re the moments she wishes she could have back.

Before he came exploding into her life like one of Asha’s perfectly-timed bombs, she’d resigned herself to a life alone or with someone who wouldn’t, couldn’t understand her. No one before him ever looked at her like that, like they saw the truth of her and lo— _cared_ for her because of it. Now that he’s gone, she wonders if she can ever really move on, if she can be with someone who doesn’t see her for who she really is, who can’t look into her very soul and be content with it like he did. 

It’s a foolish thing, to be dwelling on an improbable far-off future when there’s so much to be concerned with right now. She should be listening to Ygritte as she continues to lecture them on the importance of subtlety, how the earpieces can easily be discovered if they speak too freely around others, but she cannot turn her thoughts away from _him_ no matter how hard she tries.

_Focus, Brienne._

She shakes her head quickly and forces her attention to return to Ygritte, who’s pointedly not looking at her as she wraps up her instructions before they disperse and return to their individual preparations. She’ll have to ask someone—probably Joy, who’s least likely to tease her about it—what she missed while her mind wandered far off, but she’ll do so later, once her thoughts have shifted from melancholy reflection to the focus she desperately needs if they’re going to pull this off successfully.

She’s about to retreat to her own station along with all the others when Ygritte steps in front of her, arms folded across her chest. The hacker doesn’t _look_ annoyed, but Brienne’s never been known for her ability to read people. That’s Arianne’s strength, not hers.

“Brienne,” Ygritte says firmly, something almost like sympathy passing through her eyes. “You were really distracted back there. Actually, you’ve been really distracted for the last few weeks, ever since you broke up with Lannister.”

“I know,” Brienne mutters, looking down at her feet. “I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention. It’s just…it was a rough day. Next time I’ll try to do better.”

Ygritte frowns, studying her with an all-too-keen gaze. “Are you sure you’re alright? Because you said you were fine with it when you left, but your behaviour since then has been telling me otherwise.”

She sighs heavily, her shoulders slumping as she does. “I’m fine. Or I will be, when it comes down to it. It all happened so quickly, though, and I haven’t really had time to process anything that happened.”

“You need more time,” Ygritte surmises, “but we don’t have any. The gala’s at the end of the week, and if you haven’t figured some way of coping out by then…”

“You _can’t_ take me off the mission. We’ve put too much into it now to change the plan. And I have as much right to be there as everyone else does!”

“I’m not suggesting that, Bri.” Ygritte places a hand on her arm in an attempt to be reassuring, though Brienne’s not convinced that it is. “You’re the reason we’re here, after all. Without you dragging us out of dark corners kicking and screaming, there wouldn’t even be a mission for us to worry about. But we’re worried about _you_ , as well as the plans. Leaving Lannister clearly took a toll on you, and we can’t help you if you refuse to talk about it.”

Brienne instinctively wants to dig her heels in and continue insisting that she’s fine, even though it’s such a blatant lie that it’s almost funny. But Ygritte is looking at her with so much concern that she can’t brush it aside the way she wants to, the way she’s been doing since she left Jaime Lannister asleep in his apartment with only a note to explain why she was gone.

She slumps back into her seat as Ygritte drops into the chair opposite her. “I…I miss him. I know I’m not supposed to, that it was only meant to be a way to get information out of him and that we could never really be together…but I can’t help it. I still wish he was here, wish I could talk to him, wish I didn’t have to lie to him the entire time we were together. I wish…I wish we could have been together for real, not just a brief affair that he’ll probably have forgotten by next month.”

Ygritte raises an eyebrow and leans back in her seat. “It sounds like you’re in love with him.”

“I’m not!” she exclaims, far too quickly. “It wasn’t like that. Our entire relationship was built on sex, nothing more. Why would I fall in love with him because of that?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know,” Ygritte replies, smirking slightly. “Maybe because he was kind and funny and warm, or because he obviously cared about you and wanted to see you happy, or because you felt comfortable and safe talking to him even without telling him the whole truth, or because he never once judged you on your looks and only judged you based on the weight of who you really are? It probably didn’t hurt that he’s smoking hot and a great fuck, but that doesn’t make you fall in love with someone. All the other stuff is what does it.”

Did Ygritte read her mind earlier? Everything she’s just listed is exactly what she’d been thinking about when reflecting on what she missed about Jaime…which, now that she thinks back on it, were the things she discussed most with the others when they pestered her about him for the months they were together. The things she treasured most from their time together weren’t physical or sexual, but rather their shared emotional connection, the conversations they had in the minutes or hours they spent lying in bed together, laughing and talking until the sun rose and they had to go their separate ways for the day. All the moments she loved from the movies when she was younger, the moments when the romantic leads truly connected, properly fell in love…

“Shit,” Brienne whispers, burying her face in her hands as Ygritte finishes speaking. “I _am_ in love with him. Oh gods, what am I going to do?”

At this, Ygritte looks hopelessly baffled. “I have no idea. He’s a Lannister, and you deserve so much better than a Lannister, but if he’s who you want then I can’t exactly judge you for it and still call myself a good friend. But you’re also right, he’d probably hate you if he knew what you were doing, and there’s no point trying to go after him only to end up with a broken heart again because he couldn’t handle the truth of his family’s shittiness.”

Brienne keeps her head in her hands, terrified that there’ll be tears in her eyes if she looks up and meets her friend’s worried gaze. What is she supposed to say, knowing that she’s caught between a rock and a hard place? She can’t be with Jaime, the son of her enemy, and he’ll hate her if she approaches him afterwards trying to make amends. He probably already hates her for walking out on him like that, for never really opening up to him and giving him a fake phone number and refusing to take her back to her own place and never actually telling him so many things, so many secrets she thought would protect her heart if she held them back. And yet he still found his way in through the chinks of her armour and made himself a little home in her heart, ingraining himself there as easily as he ingrained himself into her life after that meeting at the bar.

Above her, there’s footsteps and a rustling sound, and she looks up to see Shae standing there with a hand on Ygritte’s shoulder. “You’re not helping by telling her there’s no chance.”

“It’s the truth,” Ygritte says, though she still looks contrite. “I’m not about to lie to her for comfort’s sake only.”

“I know,” Shae responds, “and Brienne knows that as well. Which is why we don’t need to remind her of the fact. It’s already hard enough, coping with a breakup and knowing you can never get that person back.”

Ygritte nods slowly before rising to her feet and gesturing at the chair. “You wanna take it from here then? I should go make sure all the earpieces fit properly anyways.”

She leaves, and Shae takes her place across from Brienne. “Hey,” she murmurs, reaching out and grabbing hold of one of her hands to gently tug it away from her face. “You doing alright?”

“Not really,” Brienne admits with a bitter, rueful laugh. “I just had a whirlwind relationship and breakup with the son of the man we’re busy trying to take down right now, who I realized two minutes ago that I’m in love with. I can’t imagine anyone would be okay in this kind of situation.”

Shae nods sympathetically, patting Brienne’s hand. “It sucks, doesn’t it? I’m not looking forward to seeing a certain Lannister again either, though I’m much more likely to kill him on sight than you are.”

Oh. _Oh, no._

“Shit,” Brienne says again, twisting her hand around in order to grab Shae’s. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I’ve been so busy feeling bad about myself that I completely forgot about that. I didn’t even think about how hard it might be for you to see him again.”

Shae snorts, though painful memories must be flickering across her mind even now. “The only hard thing about that encounter will be the strength of my punch to his face. Which is the real reason why Margaery campaigned so hard to send me up to the rooms with Arya. That and I’m our second-best hacker, and we need Ygritte on surveillance.”

“Still,” Brienne murmurs, squeezing the other woman’s hand gently, “it can’t be easy for you to know you might see him again. I wouldn’t be surprised if it stirred up a lot of bad memories, especially considering what he did to you.”

“And to think I felt _sorry_ for him at first,” Shae mutters, looking down at her lap. “He’s good at that, Tyrion. He suffered a great deal at the hands of his father and sister, and he won’t hesitate to manipulate people using that fact, get them to feel bad for him so he can use them however he wants to. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, and people never like to think that they’re being discriminatory.”

Brienne nods slowly, a part of her wondering if Jaime did the same thing as his brother. He may not have some obvious weakness or flaw for people to capitulate on and use, but he sure did an excellent job of talking down his family to her. Could all that have been lies?

“I won’t deny he’s suffered,” Shae says suddenly, straightening in her seat, her eyes blazing with pain and fury. “What he’s had to endure is terrible, and all over something he can’t control, that never was his fault. There’s nothing wrong with him, and it’s awful that so many people think that. But he had _no right_ to do what he did to me, no matter how difficult his own life was. He had no right to expect me to love him when he was literally paying me to sleep with him, and then get angry at me when I didn’t return his feelings.”

“You’re not supposed to fall in love with clients,” Brienne tells her, keeping a tight hold on her friend’s hand. “Life isn’t like the movies. Prostitutes don’t fall for their clients, take great pains not to in fact. You’re right, it wasn’t fair of him to expect that of you. And it wasn’t fair of him to use his own suffering against you, to guilt-trip you into doing things you weren’t comfortable with because he never learned to cope with his trauma.”

Shae laughs, brittle and sharp. “The worst part is, I could see myself loving him. In some other life, where we were just normal people who met somewhere, at a bar or a museum or a park, we could have been happy together. His appearance, his dwarfism, they didn’t _mean_ anything to me. None of that mattered, but he used it against me like it did anyways.”

Brienne squeezes Shae’s hand one more time before the other woman draws in a deep breath and lets go, smiling gently at her. “You got lucky with Jaime, you know. Even back then, he wasn’t much like his siblings. He was kinder, gentler, the only person besides Tyrion to speak to me like I was anyone else whenever I came by. More so, actually, because he never brought up the reason why I was there, not once.”

“He might not have known—“

“No, he definitely knew. He and Tyrion were so close, there was no way he didn’t know. But he was kind anyways, and isn’t it sad that kindness is the high bar in my former profession?”

“It is,” she agrees, feeling a burst of pity for the young woman sitting across from her. “It shouldn’t be like that. Nothing about that job devalues you as a human being. None of it.”

“It’s a shame you’re in the minority on that particular issue,” Shae says, a little less shaky than her earlier words. “A lot of problems could be solved if more people thought like you do. Like Jaime does, too. He was the only one who argued against throwing me out when…when everything went down. He even got angry at Tyrion about it, and I got the sense that he _never_ argued with his brother like that.”

“He’s a good man,” Brienne says quietly, with the absolute certainty she can only summon from all those long conversations they had, the conversations that led to him capturing her heart so quickly she didn’t even realize what had happened until he was gone. “Better than the rest of his family.”

He’s also a man she’ll never be able to see again. If he is at the gala, she can’t take the risk of seeking him out, not without jeopardizing the entire mission. And after…who knows? But she’ll have been a part of the group that ruined his family, and that’s not something she can ask him to forgive. 

There’s a chance he might not find out, but even then…she can’t lie to him, can’t make him take part in a relationship based on a falsehood. She felt terrible enough doing so once, something that led to her slipping out in the dead of night while every part of her screamed to stay, to crawl back into bed and wake up in his arms once again, and again for every day after that. To do so again would be more than she could bear, and she can’t break herself apart over Jaime a second time.

It’ll be easier like this. She thinks it over and over again, determined to solidify it in her mind, yet it never seems to make a difference, never seems to convince her. It’ll be easier to leave him once and never look back, never regret the possibility of what might have been had she stayed, had she not been a part of this heist—should they pull it off, of course. If they don’t, the point will be moot either way. They might escape and dodge any consequences, or they’ll be in jail, and Jaime will hate her for trying to ruin his life anyways. 

It seems Shae knows what she’s thinking, because her eyes are thoughtful as she studies Brienne keenly. “You know, you haven’t lost your chance with Jaime yet. If he genuinely hates his family as much as he claimed to, then maybe he won’t be upset with you should we pull this off. It doesn’t have to end like this for you two. I know you don’t want it to.”

Brienne shakes her head and turns to stare out the window. Shae means well, just as Ygritte did and Margaery and Arianne and all the others do, but they don’t understand. Jaime won’t forgive her, when he learns the truth as he inevitably will. She may be lucky—or unlucky—enough to catch a glimpse of him at the gala, but that’ll be the last she sees of him. She can’t afford for anything else to happen. She can’t have her heart broken twice.

“I doubt it,” she tells Shae sadly, refusing to meet the other woman’s gaze despite how it burns into her. “I doubt it.”

Shae reaches out for her hand again, but she rises to her feet before they can make contact. “I have to go. There’s still so many things to take care of, and we have less than a week until the gala to deal with them.”

She walks away far too quickly, her eyes burning despite her best efforts to blink away her tears. Jaime was never hers to keep, and no matter what her friends say there’s no way it ever could have worked out between them, even if she had stayed, even if they’d tried to make it work despite the many, many things that can never be reconciled, the many, many reasons why she should never have returned to that bar, should never have opened her arms to him when he’d reached out for her the first time and melted away all the barriers she’d spent years erecting around herself in order to prevent this very situation from ever occurring.

**Author's Note:**

> evidently, emotions aren't exactly Ygritte's strength. she tries, though, which counts for quite a bit here. even if it's really not what brienne needs to hear right now.
> 
> I don't want to say more about the whole Tyrion thing at present but what's expressed here is uhh, pretty much my opinion on the character as a whole, and it's why I really don't like him all that much. this chapter is justice for shae, honestly. she deserved better.
> 
> will jaime show up again in this? yes, eventually, but not in the next instalment either. this is starting to get eerily reminiscent of they say we are asleep, but he'll show up more quickly and more often after that so it won't be staying that way for long.


End file.
